I laughed so Hard I died. Or something

I have to tell you all what just happened to me.

First, I must explain something. I'm only faceplace friends with 3 people I went to high school with. 98% of my graduating classes were ignorant douchebags and the other 2% were these 3 people and me. (Don't question my math because it is probably wrong)

Anyways, as I have mentioned before, Mindy is going to school to become an accountant. 1 of my 3 highschool faceplace friends is an accountant. Her name is Hannah and I am not really sure how we became such good friends in high school as we are nothing alike.

And now we are still nothing alike although we do have a love for antiques.

She loves old, ugly antique shit so much that I am pretty sure she is turning in to a hoarder.

Seriously, this is her living room.

Anyways, Mindy and Hannah  have developed an internet relationship where they discuss how they were really meant to be together because of their love of accounting or something like that.

A few moments ago Hannah sent me this message via Words with Friends. I laughed so hard that I definitely pulled a muscle in my neck.

"Your wife just used the word sex in a game with me. I think she wants me."

Funniest thing ever.

Although to be fair, a faceplace conversation from earlier in the evening had already had me dying laughing once.

Dead Animals Galore

I have been off work for the past 6 days. It has been awesome.

Yesterday was Knoxville's Pridefest. It was super gay.  Last year we invented the drinking game 'Lesbians in plaid shorts." It is super simple to play. You take a drink every time you see a lesbian wearing plaid shorts. This year we added lesbian with a faux hawk, lesbian wearing a wife beater, and lesbian with a mullet.  Several people got very drunk, very fast.

Gay day was fun and all, but today was fucking fantastic. Today, I got to meet my taxidermist.

It was amazing.

Within 2 minutes of meeting him, he was handing me a bear paw.

That paw weighed like five pounds. I was examining the innards of the paw. Also, that is a turkey in the background on the right.

That is a bear hide in that bag. I got to look inside the head.  (Side note. It is a small world. My taxidermist went to high school with my tattoo artist)

I got 2 taxidermy catalogs so I get to spend the week looking at all the different possibilities for poses and eyes. Hopefully he will be getting the hide this week and next Sunday I can start 'fleshing' it. I don't really know what that means, but I will be sure to describe it to you all in full detail once I figure it out.

Beyond the deer mount, I will hopefully be able to do a raccoon and possibly a coyote because the taxidermist has the extra skins and has offered to give them to me. Mindy is overjoyed as I am sure you all expected.

How did you guys spend your weekend?

4 Years of Awesome.

June 21st marks me and Mindy's 4 year anniversary. Jesus Christ that is a long fucking time, but it has been awesome.

I've collected some pictures that best represent why we have been together for 4 years.

She loves me even though sometimes I get the urge to play a kazoo for an ENTIRE day.



I love her even though sometimes she makes me question her sanity.

We make each other laugh constantly even in the shittiest of situations. (It was freezing cold outside when this picture was taken. There was snow all around us)

Of course, sometimes we drive each other crazy.

The past 4 years have been the best of my life.

I love you Mindy. Happy Anniversary.

A Morbid Birthday

So I've mentioned that Mindy and I have a birthday problem. Well, since I gave Mindy her gift super early (Her birthday is not til July 25th) she gave me my gift super early. (My birthday is not til August 14th)

My gift is so awesome.

She is paying for me to take taxidermy classes!!! I'll get one on one training with a professional taxidermist and will be making my very own deer mount. (That she has already agreed to let me hang in the house. Just not in the bedroom or kitchen)

I am going this Sunday to meet the taxidermist and will have classes on Sunday for the next month or so. If it goes well, this taxidermist knows a woman who specializes in birds who may be willing to teach me.

You have no idea how stoked I am right now.

I even get to choose the position my deer head is in.

Here are some options I have come up with so far.

This deer is checking shit out and doesn't trust anybody.

This deer is pissed that you interrupted his meal.

This deer doesn't really care for your bad attitude.

This deer thinks you smell bad.

Which pose do you guys like? Or do you have other suggestions?

Stupid People Waste Oxygen

If we are facebook friends, I apologize for posting this again. I woke up today still completely fascinated by it.

Mindy and I are heading to Cleveland in August. We are going to go see the Red Sox play the Indians. We decided to take an extra day and go up to Niagara Falls since neither one of us has ever been. Last night we were googling random shit about it and came across this.

This was posted on the 'frequently asked questions' portion of a government website.

I think every single person that asks question 2 should be gathered and pushed off the top of Niagara Falls. These people are a waste of precious oxygen and natural resources.

p.s.I googled this question and apparently a lot of people are concerned about it.

Pissing your Pants in Public

Tonight Mindy and I went to see our local minor league baseball team, the Smokies.

We had pretty baller seats.

Going to this game reminded me of a specific incident that happened when I was playing softball as a kid. You know those Route 44 Sonic drinks? Well, I decided it would be a good idea to down one full of Surge. ( I drank so much Surge when I was young. While Red Bull gives you wings, Surge physically turns you in to a rocketship wildly careening out of control) My egg donor told me to go pee, but I decided that I didn't need to listen to her.

I had this issue as a kid where I would put off peeing til the last possible second. I guess I just didn't want to miss anything. To be honest, I still do this. Although I am way better at concealing my urge to pee now. Anyways so not long into the game, I started to do my 'I need to pee right now' dance. I believe I was playing shortstop at the time. I was right where the dirt meets the grass. And I just couldn't hold it any longer. Now my pants were a dark grey, so they hid wetness pretty well. However, the liquid hitting the dirt let up a nice little dust cloud for all to see.

This story was brought up at every single family event while I was growing up. I haven't wet my pants since.

Only People who hate puppies leave me voicemail

I fucking can't stand listening to voicemails. For some reason, listening to a voicemail is like being forced to sit in a room and listen to the song "Rockin the Beer Gut" on repeat. It makes me want to die.

My outgoing message explicitly states to send me a text and to not, under any circumstances, leave me a voicemail.

Mindy insists on leaving voice messages for me all the damn time. She also enjoys rambling on in them and doing something at the very end to make sure I listen through the whole shitshow of a message.

This is the exact message I got today.

"Well I'm just going to read the facebook statuses one of my friend's posted....it was funny and I was going to tell you to get on facebook...so I could send it to you so you wouldn't think I was weird sending you a random text mess...er...message but since you didn't answer the fucking phone and you have your shit set on private on facebook...I can't tell if you're online...so ...bastard...i'm just kidding love of my life...so my friend Casey...this is her status...'driving home from  vbs tonight coby tells me that if they raise enough money selling bibles they get an ice cream party...i said no babe they're going to kids in another country that may not have access or money for bibles...his response...yeah I think it's in Alabama'...oh my god...that's why kids are so much smarter than us...they're awesome...and I thought it would make you laugh so...iiiiiiiiiii...........loooooooooove. ....you......i looooove you(singing this part)... merlin's looking at me like 'what the fuck is that noise'...alright... i really love you and come home soon and I really love you alot...ok....bye"


p.s. Gypsy does not approve

Ballers Anonymous Meeting

As of this month, Mindy and I have officially owned our home for three years.

We looked at over 40 houses before choosing this one. It's not that we were picky, we just didn't want to buy one until we were absolutely sure. However, there was one specific thing that we both agreed we had to have. If the house didn't have a front porch, we didn't want it. We ended up buying the first house we looked at.

3 years later and our front porch gets used a lot. I don't understand people who don't have a porch. Front porches are the best because they give you optimum placement for judging your neighbors and keeping an eye on shit, but a back porch works too.

My lovely friend, Tara, said it best

"I suppose people all over the world sit on their porches barefoot, drinking a beer, listening to music, and generally looking the hell around..but I'd argue in front of a board of Professional Anybodies that it's best done and enjoyed in the Southern states of the USA."

I spent 6 hours on my front porch yesterday. My favorite boy, Blu, came over and we just sat on the porch, watching clouds, talking shit, listening to Ace of Base and other music of that caliber.

It was fucking fantastic.

I encourage all of you to go sit on your front porch right now. If you don't have a porch, a stoop will do. You won't regret it.

p.s.

Here is a picture Blu insisted on taking. We were laying on the porch looking at clouds.

No. It isn't Fucking Coldplay

I don't even know how this happened.

Last Friday, Mindy and I were out walking around downtown checking out the art galleries. We stopped in the lobby of a local restaurant to use the restroom real quick. I finished my business and went to wash my hands. It was a busy night so there was a bit of a line.

"I Will Follow You Into the Dark" started to play on the speakers.

"Is this Coldplay?"-Lady in bathroom stall, peeing

.....

"Yeah. This is Coldplay."-lady in bathroom stall, peeing

"Um. No it is not. I can't think of the band name."-Me

"It has to be Coldplay. I took my son to see them
and they definitely played this song."-lady in bathroom stall, still peeing

"It is definitely not Coldplay. I promise."-me

"Then why did they play this song?"-lady in bathroom stall, still fucking peeing

"I don't know, but I guarantee this isn't Coldplay.
 I will look up the bandname on my phone."-Me

"The band is Death Cab For Cutie"-Me

"Oh. That's right."

And then I left while Mindy laughed at me for getting into an argument with some strange woman in a bathroom stall.