Happy Birthday:Punch

Have any of you heard of Gina Carano? Kimbo Slice? Forest Griffin?

These are all MMA fighters. I know this because Mindy loves them. Mindy has loved UFC stuff since way  before we ever met. I didn't understand it at first. I still don't understand it, but I have come to accept it and even somewhat enjoy it.(Just for the record, she doesn't own any Affliction or Tapout shirts)

Mindy has always said that she would love to fight. As I have mentioned before, Mindy is pretty tough.

So for her birthday, I am paying for her to have a year's worth of MMA training. Tuesday evening, I told her the surprise and took her out to the gym that I found. They are one of the only gyms in Knoxville to train females and they actually have 2 UFC fighters who train and teach at their gym. It's pretty legit.

I gave her this present early because she has this goal to be super fit by her 30th birthday and I thought that this may help. Also, I knew this was one of her dreams and I was so stoked to be able to do this for her that I just couldn't put it off any longer.

One of the first things she said was that she couldn't wait to get her first black eye.

She had her first class tonight. No black eye yet, but she is pretty sore.

I just realized that it is kind of fucked up that for her birthday I got her the privilege of being punched for a year.

Birthday Hostility

Mindy and I may go a little overboard when it comes to getting each other presents. Birthdays and Christmas can get out of control due to the amount of money we spend. We just really like getting super nice, awesome stuff for each other. Our birthdays are 3 weeks apart so every summer we are trying to figure out what to get the other one and teasing each other about it.

Mindy's 30th birthday is in July and I have been taunting her for the past month about the super fucking amazing awesome present that I have  for her.  Everytime I bring it up she sulks and pretends like she doesn't care.

Five minutes ago I got this phone call.

Mindy: You can suck on it

Me: What the hell?

Mindy: You heard me. I just got your birthday present and it is going to be way better than the crap present you are getting me. So you can suck on it.

Me: You're so wrong. You are going to eat your words.

Mindy: Like I said, you can suck it. My present is better than your present.


I'm pretty sure birthday presents aren't supposed to make people so hostile. Clearly we have a problem.

Adventures in Teabagging a.k.a Local politics

Mindy has had to listen to me yelling and ranting for the past 36 hours now.

One of our local county commissioners, Jeff Ownby, was arrested on Thursday afternoon for having oral sex with another man in a public park that is known for 'cruising.' Yes, Ownby is married to a woman. Yes, he has 2 biological children and 3 foster children. (The foster children have been removed from his custody due to his arrest).

I'm annoyed at this. What I am most annoyed about is that several people have commented about the article to say that they feel sorry for him. They say that it must be awful being a closeted gay man and not be able to be yourself. They have the audacity to say that he is a victim.

I don't feel sorry for him. He was caught with his dick in another man's mouth in broad daylight.(Good thing he brought along his company car. I mean, I knew Comcast liked to fuck people over. I had no idea it was to this extent)  Just because you are closeted does not give you the right to be a pervert. Just because he made the decision to hide a part of himself does not excuse his deviant behavior.

I'm also annoyed that the local newspaper has disabled commenting on the online article. They allow extremely offensive comments on every other article relating to homosexuality, so why not this one. I am extremely disappointed in the Knoxville News Sentinel for this.

I also don't understand why Ownby's bail was $500 and his sexual partner's bail was $1000. That really doesn't make any sense, since they were both arrested for the same crime.

My favorite part of all this is that the arresting officer said "The defendant did not attempt to hide any of his actions from the public." You have to be pretty comfortable with having oral sex in a park if you aren't even trying to hide it, which means that you have probably done it several times before.


Here is my small letter to Mr. Ownby that I posted on my facebook yesterday.

Commissioner Ownby,

You got caught with your pants down in a public park known for 'cruising.' I doubt it was your first time. I don't feel sorry for you. You are the reason that your political party labels all gays as perverts and loops us in with pedophiles and beastiality. I'm amused to see that your dear friend Stacey Campfield is 'praying for you during your hard times.' Fuck you and fuck him too.

p.s. I would tell you to "suck it" but since that's what you were caught doing, I will refrain.

That's What I am Owed

Have you ever had a super shittastic day and then right in the middle of it you see someone else dealing with shittiness and you're like "well at least i'm not them?"

That has been my day.

After going and getting stabbed approximately  872,315 times by the allergist, I went and picked up my paycheck. As soon as I walk into the bank to deposit it, I know I am in for a good time.

There is only one teller with about 4 people in line. Standing at the front was a fat, uber trashy lady with her poor confused daughter. Here is what I walked in on

Two million dollars!!-Teller

Yes. Dats whut im owed- Trash

What did you do to earn that?-Teller

I secret shopped-Trash

You were a secret shopper?-Teller

Dats whut i sayt-Trash

How long?-Teller

2 months-Trash

You earned two million dollars working for two months?-Teller

Yep-Trash

Excuse me I need to call someone-Teller



Then another teller showed up and I left before finding out how this ended.

So...do you think she got the two million dollars?

Chronicles of Mindy

I think Mindy may be losing it.

Saturday night our washer broke while Mindy was doing her laundry.

Mindy was attempting to fix it today while I am at work.

I got this rather strange phone call.


I think laundromats are gaining in popularity-Mindy

No. They are not.-Me

Yes, they are. I saw it on the Kardashians.-Mindy

You absolutely did not. What is wrong with our washer?-Me

The fat one, Khloe, she hangs out at a laundromat all the time. And nothing is wrong with the pieces of our washer.-Mindy

What do you mean pieces? And you don't watch the Kardashians.-Me

I saw a Real Housewife coming out of one the other day.-Mindy

Seriously, send me a picture of the washer.-Me

None of the cameras work.-Mindy

You are lying.-Me

They don't have a wide enough lens.-Mindy

What does that even mean?-Me

I've got to go. -Mindy

I am pretty nervous about what I will find when I get off work tonight.

Hobo Tales

Today, Mindy and I rode our bikes downtown to see 'The Dictator."

As we were leaving the theatre, we went to unlock our bikes when this happened.

Just an FYI, I see the bums of Knoxville more than the average Knoxvillian. The local shelter is just a couple minutes from where I work. The bums hang out near where I work and panhandle. I have to shoo them away often. For the most part I know their real names, and if I don't they have an established nickname.

Anyways, so there we are casually unlocking our bikes when the Pirate Hobo approached us.

"Can I ask you a question?"-Pirate

"No." -Me

"I wasn't asking you for sex."-Pirate

"Ummm. I know. Go the fuck away."-Me

He mumbled to himself some and then wandered away.

I know my response may seem harsh, but he is one of the most aggressive bums in the area and a gigantic dickhole anytime I have to kick him out of my bar.

If I was born a hermaphrodite, I want my parts back.

I have to go to the doctor today. It's nothing major just a check up.

However for the past 24 hours I keep having random questions.(This happens every single time I know I have to go to the doctor) Questions best kept to myself  a.k.a stop badgering Mindy with ridiculous questions.

What if I was born a hermaphrodite?

What if I have stomach cancer?

What if I have 4 stomachs?

What if I am actually an alien and there is a little alien living in my brain that controls my robot body and I have to kill the doctor when he discovers this?

Seriously, what if I was born a hermaphrodite? I get a lot of mail for Allyn Gregory. Maybe they know something I don't.

What if I have heartworm? Can I even get heartworm?

What if I have tuberculosis? (This is serious. Tuberculosis scares the shit out of me.)

What if he discovers my super powers?

I really don't think you are as concerned about this whole hermaphrodite thing as you should be. Also, if I was born a hermaphrodite, I am going to want my parts back.

Do you ever have any odd health concerns?

Drag Queen Shenanigans

I am pretty fucking traumatized about what happened to me on Saturday night.

What my delicate eyes saw, I will never be able to unsee. (Apparently blogger doesn't think 'unsee' is a word but I disagree)

I had arranged to have the night off work to go to a gay event.  You see the Appalachian Community Fund was giving a Hero award out to Martha Boggs. Martha is the owner of a local restaurant and a few months back she kicked out our local douchebag politician Stacey Campfield from her restaurant. Stacey Campfield is the idiot that said this

"most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual community – it was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly, and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, if I recall.... My understanding is that it is virtually – not completely, but virtually – impossible to contract AIDS through heterosexual sex...very rarely"

Also he sponsored the now defunct "Don't Say Gay" bill.

I was super stoked to be able to go and show support for her.  Beyond giving out the award, there was also a drag show and a dance party.

The drag show is what has permanently damaged me.

Now, I have seen my fair share of drag shows seeing as how every single gay bar in Knoxville insists on focusing all their energies on them. (Seriously Knoxville, sometimes I just want to go out and be surrounded by fellow gays without having to see a drag show)

The drag queens in Knoxville are, well, a hot mess for the most part.

This specific one on Saturday took the fucking meaning of hot mess to a whole new level.

Don't misunderstand me. I am sure it is super difficult to rearrange your package so as to maintain the whole 'mystique' of being a drag queen.

I'm just saying that before you go out on stage to perform in a tiny little bikini, you should make sure that your dick isn't showing.

Also, I know you knew your dick was showing so stop twerking it and fix your shit.

p.s. I tried to find a picture of the drag queen to prove my point, but I couldn't find one. If they post pictures from the event I will be sure to share them with you all. You're welcome in advance.

Important Southern Decisions.

Today I had a realization of just how Southern I am.

Mindy and I were out grocery shopping. I was standing in the chips aisle while she went on a quest for something.

She comes back to find me in an intense deliberation with myself.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't decide which pork rinds to get."

"...."

"You see I want a barbeque kind

 but I can't decide between the southern

 barbeque pork rinds or the pig pickin' 

barbeque pork rinds."

"Are you really having that hard of a
 time deciding what kind of pork rinds to get?"

"It would be a lot easier if they had

 defined 'pig pickin' for me. Does it 

mean that it is so good you want to 

pick every tiny piece of pig off the 

bone? If so, why wouldn't you make

 the other one just as tasty? Or does 

it mean that it is made of the last little

 unwanted scraps of pigs because I don't 

want that"

"You realize how country you sound right now, right?"

I ended up going with the southern barbeque because at least I knew what exactly that meant.

Which ones would you have picked?

Fed Up

I was going to write a post about our Chicago trip. However, I have had a lot on my mind today and I just need to get it out.

Gay marriage has been a pretty big story in the news lately. From the disappointing story out of North Carolina, to the President's kind words. For the most part, I try not to let the negative news bring me down or the positive words give me too much hope. I'd be an emotional wreck if I did.

However, it is really messing with my emotions this week. I am lucky in the sense that I work at a job that I can be open at. I have a boss who sponsors our local Pridefest. I have friends and family who don't give a damn who I love either way as long as I am happy. I live in a city where I can hold hands with my wife in public and not have to worry about the people around us. My good fortune makes it difficult for me to see how bad the situation is sometimes.

When I leave this bubble is when the realization hits me. Mindy and I aren't as affectionate in public when we visit other cities. We don't know how accepting the people are elsewhere in the country. We have to worry about who will see us holding hands and what kind of reaction they will have. It  genuinely makes me nervous. It's upsetting and scary to think that someone could have such an intense hatred for you that a small sign of love (like holding hands) could cause a violent reaction on their part.

I am so lucky that I sometimes forget that there is a problem even in my area. I spoke with a friend today who is leaving Knoxville soon.  She is moving to California and one of the reasons is that the South is so behind on same-sex equality. She doesn't want to live somewhere where she is considered second-class. You see she had to work an office job where  the staff was all very "conservative" in their views. She had to conform to their ideas in order to not cause trouble in this office environment. She is not the only gay person I know that has to do this.

It breaks my heart. I couldn't imagine ever having to censor myself for a single second. And while being gay doesn't define me, it is a part of me.

I know that in my lifetime same-sex marriage will be accepted. I know that eventually the majority of this country will be accepting of homosexuals. I don't know how long it will take, but I know it will happen. That knowledge is only somewhat comforting.

It doesn't stop me from crying thinking of all the gay kids whose lives have been lost because of close minded people.

The conservatives are now saying that Obama has declared a "war on traditional marriage." I disagree. The real "war" as they call it is on the GLBT community. You see during a war, lives are lost. The people losing their lives now are members of the GLBT community.

 And it makes me sick.

Dream Purchases

We got back late last night from our mini-vacation to Chicago. It was a fucking blast and I will have a full post on that later.

Since Chicago is for fucking ever away from Knoxville, there was plenty of car time for me to annoy Mindy to death.

We get stuck on this one conversation about what we would do if we had a bajillion dollars.

My newest dream purchase is a miniature cow that is bred to have the markings of a panda.

These extra special awesome mini cows cost $40000. Look at that face!!

What would Mindy do with a bajillion dollars?

Buy a mountain and have my face carved into the side of it like Mount Rushmore.

What. The Hell.

The Adventures of Quack

This Friday Mindy graduates with her Associates in Accounting. In June she starts on her Bachelor's. I am super proud of her. Her graduation present from me came in the mail today. I got her a brand new fancy digital camera. After she got her present, she gave me a strange look and said "I got you a graduation present too." I was confused since she is the one graduating. However, since she is super sweet she got me a present for being such a supportive wife.

My present is so awesome.

Meet Quack the Ripper. You can't see from this picture but he is holding a miniature knife in his other wing. Yes those are duck body parts strewn about. For those not following me on Facebook, I recommend random strange taxidermy I find on the internet as presents that Mindy can get me. I have suggested Quack 3 times. Apparently, she bought him the first time.

We decided to take Quack on a tour of downtown. He escaped and got in to some shenanigans.

Here he is lurking in some bushes.

Here he is waiting at the bus stop for unsuspecting victims.

Here he is attacking some poor sleeping homeless person. lol.

I caught him in the midst of attacking someone at the ATM.

Yes. This is a real intersection in Knoxville.

Quack tried to attack some people at the theatre...

...and the theatre employee!!

I don't even know what happened here.

Quack!! Get out of the damn tree!!

He found some more victims.

Ducks need to cross the road safely too.

Quack thinks he is too good to take the stairs.

Finally we wrangled him and made him come with us.

p.s. Sorry there are so many pictures. We may have gotten a little carried away.

Did he Get Shot 9 Times?

The hobos of Knoxville never cease to amaze me.

They are always doing the weirdest shit.

I've not talked about the pirate hobo yet, but he is one of my favorites.  He doesn't have a peg leg, but he does have a hook instead of a hand.

Ok, he doesn't have a hook hand either. The only reason I started calling him the pirate hobo was because sometimes he wears an eyepatch. Why does he only wear the eyepatch sometimes? I have no fucking clue. I don't ask him because he is grumpy.

My lovely friend Tara likes to keep me updated of his whereabouts as she knows how fond I am of him.

I saw him meandering around downtown at the parade this Friday.

I almost fell off my seat laughing.

What was so funny?

He was wearing a G-Unit shirt.

What weird things do your local hobos do/wear?