The Polar Bears

So we all know how I feel about the Polar Bears, right?

If not, please go here. It's ok. I will wait.

........

Ok. If you didn't know before, now you are well aware of how much I love the Polar Bears.

Have you seen the sad, pitiful, ASPCA commercial with that Sarah McLachlan song?

It is so sad and it always makes Mindy tear up. Now, she can't even hear that song on the radio without getting sad. Of course, since I am an ass, sometimes I sing it to her just to make her sad about it. I think mean things are funny. I can't help it.

Anyways, now the WWF has a commercial just like that except it is about the polar bears. The poor sad polar bears just starving and drowning with sad music playing in the background. It breaks my heart.

Last night, Mindy and I were laying in bed watching a documentary comparing the Polar Bears to the inferior grizzly bears. It was a very cute documentary showing them both foraging about for food.

Then, the worst thing ever happened.

The stupid documentarian voice man started talking about how sometimes the Polar Bears drown and how aerial pictures will show SEVERAL Polar Bear carcasses that have washed ashore. Then they showed the aerial pictures. Baby Polar Bears dead. I started sobbing in bed. I could not stop myself. Mindy tried to comfort me, but I was too upset. I cried myself to sleep because if the Polar Bears hurt, I hurt.

However, I did learn that Polar Bears evolved from grizzly bears. Also, the 2 species of bears can breed so there is some hope the Polar Bears can survive.

p.s. The documentary is called "Arctic Bears" if you ever feel like crying.

The Bounty Hunter

Confession time.

I love Dog the Bounty Hunter.

I have watched the show since day 1 and I am still just as fascinated by it.

I have a reminder in my phone for the season premiere on January 4th.

Not only do I love Dog, I love the whole fucking family. I mean, Beth, is just a badass. She will straight up get gangster with all the ice heads and call them on their bullshit.

Leland is the toughest person ever. He rocks that braid like he is daring you to make fun of him because he can kill you with his pinky toe. WITH HIS MUTHERFUCKIN' PINKY TOE!!

Duane Lee is all intimidation and jokes. I just want to give him a hug.

Baby Lyssa is tough and sweet, which is an excellent combo.

I love how they are yelling and cursing at the fugitives at first and then trying to help them out.

I love how Dog is always right and catches the fugitive.

I love how Dog went to Mexico and caught a rapist just because he fucking could.

A couple of years ago, Mindy bought me a certified Dog the Bounty Hunter jacket. It is exactly like the ones they wear on the show. I love it so much. ( Have you noticed how fucking great she is at giving me gifts?)

Last Christmas, she bought me one of Dog's book. It was awesome.

There is Dog the Bounty Hunter marathon on tonight at 9 and , yes, that is how I am spending my evening.

Mindy is making us her delicious ever-changing chili recipe and we will be on the couch from 9 on enjoying Dog and the family and all of their awesomeness.

I got Dead Animal Parts for Christmas

Or at least I hope it was dead. I don't want to think there is some sad hornless bull out there somewhere.

 Mindy got me these huge horns for Christmas. The plan is to strap them on the front of Layla.

Oh you don't know who Layla is?

This is Layla. A 1988 Jeep Grand Wagoneer. She is my 6000 pound baby and I love her.

The horns were my most awesome present, but I got other cool things too.

 Mindy got me the best clock ever.

My friend, Andrea, got me the best tote ever.

My sister got me baller ass Zombie slippers, but I don't have a picture of those.

Anyways, I know your Christmas paled in comparison to mine, but what cool crap did you get?

p.s. Congratulations to my best friend Meg, who got engaged on Christmas!! You don't know how serious I am about this American Flag wedding idea.

Weather Men are Con Men.

I hate the local news in Knoxville. They should just show reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond and only have a local news show on once a week.

Not enough happens in Knoxville to fill 30 minutes of time twice a day.

They actually did a news story about when Facebook changed their format. They fucking went out and interviewed the moronic assholes that I live near and asked them how the Facebook change was negatively affecting their lives. I am not joking. It is like they don't even realize that people starve to death in third world countries.

I was just changing channels and do you know what they were doing a story on?

No. Of course you don't because you weren't watching T.V. with me.

They were doing a story on how the mall is busy.

Really fuckwads? The mall is busy 3 days before Christmas. I had no idea.

That is a lie. I did have an idea. Everyone knows the mall is busy during Christmas time. This is not fucking news.

The only time I have ever enjoyed the local news is when they did an expose on sexting. It was so hilarious and awkward. These old people just kept saying "sexting" over and over again.

Oh and apparently the news is doing some special thing where the "weatherman" (don't even get me started on people who pretend that they can predict the weather) will come and do the weather report on your front porch.

Don't even think about coming to my house Todd. If you step one foot in my yard I will let my basset hound bite you. And it will hurt.

Kim Jung Il is ruining Christmas.

Every year Mindy and I give each other homemade Christmas gifts on Christmas Eve.

While I am at work today, I am constructing Mindy's gift. She is very well aware of this.

She just called me and this was our conversation.

" How about you tell me what it is that you are doing at work?"

"I'm not telling you your present. 

You will find out in a few days."

" I am sick of all these lies."

" I am not lying to you. I am just 

not telling you. There is a difference."

" Secrets are lies. Kim Jung Il is your hero."

" What does that even mean? "

"Why are you lying to your sweet loving wife?"

" Once again, I am NOT lying."

" You are Hitler."

" No. I am not Hitler.

Hitler was German and he is dead.

I am not German and I am alive."

"They never found his body. You are Hitler."

" They found his body in a bunker. He killed himself."

" No. They never found the body."

" You can't just make stuff up. 

Also, I am a girl. Hitler was a dude."

"You are a transvestite."

" No. I am not. 

I am still not telling you your Christmas present."

" Whatever. Whatever. Whatever."

I think Christmas is making Mindy crazy.

If You're A Zombie, I'm A Zombie

Mindy is afraid of pregnant people and she fears for them. I know. It really is confusing. And hilarious.

One, she thinks that the baby will just pop out at the smallest movement. So, if we are around a pregnant person, Mindy won't go near them. Also, she won't let them stand up or do anything for themselves.

Earlier today I messaged her this picture over Facebook.

Her response, "why the fuck would you send that to me? what the fuck, honey?"

Also, she is straight up scared of pregnant chicks. She thinks all the hormones and shit make them crazy.

Oh yeah, and Mindy has the worst luck ever. She has super glued herself to the top of a car, super glued her hand to her leg, super glued her hand together , rolled down a busy street while dressed as a tomato, knocked herself out while sneezing, and a lot of other ridiculous things.

Anyways, I guess what I am trying to say is that Mindy is a pretty entertaining person to have around. I adore her and her eccentricities and she adores me and puts up with mine.

Like the other day, I told her that I decided to become a taxidermist. She turned looked me straight in the eye and said "If that's what will make you happy, than ok. You can't bring your work home with you though."

Except I totally will and she knows that.

Want to know a super sweet, absurd story?

 Of course you do.

Mindy did not watch horror movies before we dated. She didn't know anything about Zombies.

I know, it shocked me too.

A few months in to our relationship, I was trying to educate her about Zombies. I was telling her that if I were bitten and turned in to a Zombie, that she would have to kill me so that I didn't turn her in to a Zombie too. She looked at me all sweet and said "No. If you're a Zombie, I'm a Zombie."

That has pretty much become the motto for our relationship.

 So of course I have it tattooed on my leg.

How does one become a taxidermist?

Today, Mindy and I woke up early. We went and had delicious biscuits downtown at Just Ripe. (For those who live in Knoxville, please go. Build your own biscuits with everything from plain butter, to pimento cheese, to jalapeno jelly)

After we were filled with delicious biscuits, it was antiquing time. We drove about 20 minutes north of Knoxville to Clinton. Clinton claims to have the most antique stores of anywhere in the South. I don't know if that was true, but they certainly have a lot.

Our first stop was a large barn looking building. It didn't look like much from the outside. We pulled up and immediately saw old animal traps out front. We went in anyways. It was 2 stories crammed full of awesome.

First there was this,

 Yes that is a wicker elephant. It is also a bar. It has shelves and a wine rack on the side you can't see. Mindy and I are saving up to buy it.

This is me and Cletus. I should probably admit that I love dead animal skulls or stuffed dead animals. I don't want to do the killing. (Sorry L-Kat, it's just not my style) However, I do want them hanging on my wall. Seriously, it's just recycling at this point. Some day soon I will introduce all of you to Buck. You will love him.

I named this one Bambi. Lol. I tried to explain to Mindy that it would make an excellent coat rack. Those hooves were just made to hold my jackets.

These old tabloid pages were plastered all over a creepy room upstairs at the antique mall. You say "Hillbilly Zombies." I say "Fuck Yeah!"

I also saw Theodore, the large taxidermied Turkey. I was so overwhelmed that I forgot to take a picture. (Side note. I just asked Mindy what it is called when you stuffed dead animals and she said "an abomination.")

Next we went to roam the antique stores in Downtown Clinton. And that is when I saw the only thing I need for Christmas.







This is Beauford. Look at him just smiling at me. There was also a large elk head that I loved, but alas it  was already sold.

Sorry your day was not as awesome as mine.

Like a Box of Chocolates

Dear package delivery person,

   You fucking fail at life. Why on earth would you set a package clearly labeled as chocolates in the yard with dogs? When I let the dogs out, I walked out to the mail box. I know that package was not in the yard before I let them out. You know what? I bet you are a fucking cat person. You probably have like 30 cats. Cat people are inferior to dog people. Sorry. That's just the truth of the matter. Actually, scratch that. I am not fucking sorry. You tried to kill my dogs,  you dick.

Have fun cleaning up hair balls and emptying out litter boxes for the rest of your miserable existence. Dogs shit outside, that's why they are so awesome.

No love at all,
Ally

Dear Gypsy and Merlin,

       Do you have a fucking death wish? Do Mindy and I not give you enough love and affection? Why would you try and eat a box of chocolates? Lucky for you, I caught you in the act and saved your fucking stinky, slobbery lives. And how did you repay me? You went and fucking dug a new hole in the yard. Did you know they eat dogs in 3rd world countries? Fuck sending my food to the starving orphans, I am going to send you two.

I am not petting you for at least 3 more hours.

You're lucky you're cute,
Ally

Here is an old picture taken after they were caught digging. Bad, bad dogs.



Don't take candy from strangers

I guess I might as well introduce you to two of my most sweet, yet completely insane coworkers.

First off, I should tell you that they are twins. While they don't necessarily look alike, they act like the exact same person. Seriously, they talk the same, walk the same, have the exact same weird sayings. Oh and they do the same stupid shit.

I should mention that I don't trust twins. Not for one single fucking second. They are an abomination to nature. I have twin younger sisters, who have some weird freaky bond where if one is hurt the other feels the pain. That's like a real live voodoo doll!!

Now, Emily and Denise are both servers at my bar. I usually don't schedule them both to work with me because it is absurdity overload and I just can't handle it. This past Saturday, one of them picked up the closing shift so I ended up with both of them.

As soon as they walk in the door, they start telling me this story. Keep in mind that the entire time they are alternating back and forth on telling the story. Try and keep up please.

"Ally, you won't believe what we just did!"

"Oh God, what now?"

"Well we were both at Emily's house and some guy came 

banging on our door. I told Emily not to open it since we 

didn't know who he was, but she still did"

"Emily! You don't open your doors to

strange men who are banging on it."

"Anyways, I opened the door and he said he lived down

the street and had locked himself out of his house. Than he

asked for 17 dollars"

"You said 'No,' right?"

"Of course she didn't. She left the door wide open, went 

and got her purse and than gave him 5 dollars."

*shaking my head*

"Well, than he said his wife was at the gas station and asked

for a ride."

"Seriously?"

"I had to go with her of course."

"Denise! Why wouldn't you insist on not 

going if you thought it was a bad idea?"

"I grabbed a butcher knife."

"You two are retarded. So what happened 

when you took him to the gas station?"

"Once we all got in the car. He said his wife wasn't at the

gas station and had us take him to his friend's apartment"

"I am shocked that you two aren't stuffed in

a trunk somewhere right now"

" And since we drove him around. I didn't have enough time

to get ready so I just ate some candy cane instead of brushing my teeth?"

"What the fuck is wrong with you two?"

All night, everyone on staff gave them grief. Denise's husband just shook his head.

It got better though. While we were are sitting around after we had closed, they told another story.

"Ally. You won't believe this story"

"What could you possibly have done

that was stupider than this?"

"When we were 16, we asked this old man at Kroger

if he would buy us some cigarettes."

"Yeah, but he said he wanted to go somewhere else and 

buy them. He said he would drive us."

"Oh God."

"He had a beat up van with no windows"

"Please, please tell me that you

did not get in the pedophile van"

" We got in the back and there were no seats"

"And there was porn taped up all over the inside"

" I can't talk to you two anymore."

Are your friends this stupid or am I just lucky?

Jason. In the Kitchen. With the poison

Jason is trying to kill me.

On Thursday night, he cooked my chicken as usual. Except this time, I got sick right in the middle of eating it. I have been sick since.

Why did he poison me?

I am going to go ask him right now. (You won't notice this, but I am getting up from my computer and walking to the bar's kitchen)

He said "I just thought it would be fun to poison you."

What a dick!!

(and now he is rubbing his stomach, mumbling something about super glue and multi-purpose rubber coating.)

And now he just said that he didn't regret poisoning me.

If he doesn't start apologizing soon, I am going to tell everyone in internet land how he got the nickname "Double Stuff"

Who is going to take care of Gypsy?

I am sick.

Even worse, I am at work and I am sick. Worst combo ever.

I should also tell you all that I am pretty much the most pathetic, annoying sick person ever.

I can't function. I barely have the strength needed to type these words.

Mindy isn't even awake right now for me to whine at.

Usually our conversation would go something like this...

"I'm sick."

"Aww I am sorry to hear that. What's wrong?"

"I'm pretty sure I am dying."

"Oh. Well, what are you dying of?"

"I don't know. Maybe the black plague or west nile virus."

" Ah. I see. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better."

"No. Just promise me you will take care of Gypsy when I am gone."

"No way. I am getting rid of her before your funeral."

"But my last wish is for you to take care of her"

"You'll be dead, so it won't matter."

"Wait. So are you telling me that you won't follow my DYING wish?"

"Yep. Pretty much. Guess you are going to have to stay alive to take care of Gypsy."

"I guess. Will you bring me a sprite?"

"Of course, dear."

An Understandable Christmas Wish

I am ashamed of myself.

I am beyond disappointed in myself.

How have I lived my entire life without owning this?

 

Look at how fucking remarkable this exquisite lawn ornament is!

You can buy it here. It is back ordered for obvious reasons. So if you haven't already gotten me a polar bear for Christmas like I asked, feel free to get me this. I will accept that I may not receive it until after Christmas. And while usually I am not a very patient person, this will be well worth the wait.

This combined with Cola in the window will ensure that no one will ever think twice about breaking in our house.

Polar Bears don't drink coke. That's just stupid.

Yesterday was Christmas decorating day at the Gregory-Moore household. Of course, once we got everything out, we realized we needed 2 extension cords and some clip thingies. Off to Walgreen's we went.

We get there, start going through the Christmas aisle and than there it was.

I knew I needed it as soon as I saw it.

And it was on sale for $10 off!!

That is what we like to call fate.

I made Mindy stand and look at it while I get our other stuff. I needed her to appreciate the magnificence of this particular item.

"If you want it, we can get it." Mindy said with just the tiniest of eye rolling.

"Fuck yes!!"

What is this Christmas decoration that I needed so desperately?

A fucking polar bear!!!

In case you were wondering, he was supposed to come with a miniature Santa hat, but he didn't. We made due with a miniature Red Sox hat we just happened to have.

When Mindy came in to the living room to see where I had put Cola (that's what I named him), she said "Wait. At the store, when I asked you where you would put it, you said it would be peeking out from behind the tree."

"But, doesn't it look so much better here? Plus, it is like extra security. When people think about robbing our house, they will see the polar bear in the window and immediately back off."

Now I just have to find a place for him to go once Christmas is over.

White Girl Wasted.

Last night Kayla came and hung out with me at work.

All these quotes are from our conversation last night. The pictures just seemed fitting.

"I don't care. I'll drink whatever is in front of me."-Kayla

"I'm surprised you didn't post any inappropriate pictures on facebook since you spent the whole weekend being white girl wasted."- Me

"My phone died."-Kayla

"My boss tried to get me to work tonight. I said 'I can't it's Margarita Monday.'"-Kayla

She makes me laugh so hard.

First Off, Fuck Your Bitch.

My sister, Adrienne, is going to shake her head at this post.

So, I have this issue where if someone tells me I can't do something or I am not going to do something, I MUST do it. It is the naturally rebellious side of me and I don't have much control over it.

Years back, we had a running joke among my group of friends that I was so gangster that I was going to get "Thug Life" tattooed on my stomach. For years it was the funniest thing ever. Than several people started saying that there was no way I was ever going to get it and  that I should just stop talking about it  Some people even accused me of not being tough enough to get it.

Umm. Fuck that. I am super tough and gangster.

So what did I do?

BAM!!

Do I regret this tattoo?

 Not for a single second. It  makes me smile and laugh at myself.


It is also one of my favorite ones to show off because people never believe me.

White Trash Christmas Parade

Sometimes I forget that I live in the White trash capital of the Universe.

Than, I go to see Knoxville's Christmas parade downtown. I watch the usual marching bands, church floats, and dance teams go by. The entire time thinking "How nice. I love Christmas parades."

And than this happens.

I will let you have a moment to really take it all in.

Ready?

Yes, that is a miniature wrestling ring. Yes, there are "wrestlers" in there slamming each other on the mat.

What. The. Fuck. Knoxville?

Oh well, at least they wrapped Christmas lights around their makeshift ring.

Also, there were miniature horses and donkeys in the parade. I loved that!

Jason is a Girl

It gets cold in the back at my job. It is a super old building and is therefore drafty. So, in the winter, those of us who don't serve or tend bar are known to wear pajama pants under our work pants.

Jason just walked by the office, went and looked at himself in the mirror and then walked back to the office.

"Ally, I am really beginning to like Winter. Not because of the cold or anything but because by adding the extra layer underneath my pants, it makes me look like I actually have a butt."

He then turns to show off his padded behind.

"Does my butt look bigger with my pants pulled up or where they were?"

"Where they were, Jason."

He walks away and comes back a moment later.

"I'm a girl, aren't I?"


"Yes, Jason. You are."